Another week.

I am not sure where the last week actually went. The time fairy has been around and stolen it again. I think I might even be a little more stupid than I was last Monday. I am pretty sure that this is not the usual gradient of the knowledge curve.  

I had a really nice weekend. I went salsa dancing (albeit I did nothing more than shuffle as inconspicuously as possible) and I went ice-skating. On the way back from Koln I was forced to cross the railway tracks. This goes against everything I ever learned growing up. I tried to protest, but in the end, I suppose that nobody cares what I say. 

News in not-so-brief briefs.

1. I had a minor mental blip at the beginning of last week, but I think that I have managed to rescue myself from some cataclysmic fall there. Point to me.          
2. I live next to a brothel. Some awful man tried to pick me up on the road side at the end of last week.  I hadn't even stopped, but I'd like to know in which country prostitutes march around with large coats, scarves, jeans and backpacks on? Well, Germany apparently. The incident would have been over sooner had my German been better. Unfortunately, it is not. 
3. It snowed here over the weekend, that was very beautiful. I think I was happy at the weekend. Now it's "oh-hello-empty-misery-tinged-with-that-oh-so-familiar-sense-of-self-loathing" again.
4. I have now seen the new Bond film Quantum of Solace. It was a very different Bond, but I still really enjoyed it. It was very much "Quantum of Solace: Bond's Revenge". 
5. The heating in my flat still doesn't work. Every night I have to build a nest in which to sleep. This isn't even me being a moron as my neighbour can't work it out either and the landlord was meant to come around last night to fix it... or make it work.. or something. In other flat-related news, I can now successfully open the bins! Huzaar! Also, it turns out that I do in fact have blinds and that I was using the shower incorrectly. 

Re-evaluation

Ok, what I said yesterday was insane. That is clearly not true. 

Potential Realisation

After a chat with someone, I just realised that maybe, just maybe people don't see me as a set of flaws. 

Another week

I went to a party on Saturday night. I was very drunk. I really really don't think that this should be repeated again. I have had to avoid coffee time for 2 days because I am too embarrassed to field more of the "so, you're still alive?" comments. I have received a number of messages on facebook beginning with "hey Steph, do you remember me...?" Answer: no. No, I don't because if we recall I fell asleep. I suppose that should really say "I passed out", but I think I rather say that I was just so tired that I had to take a little nap. 

It was my non-Russian office mate's 29th birthday today. I decorated the office (at least his part) with balloons and banners. He refused to wear the "It's my birthday" badge, which I suppose I can forgive. I think he was confused and a little perturbed at my actions. It's just, if I had an older brother, I'd want him to be just like him. 

Virtual bar

I stayed up to hear the results of the US presidential elections the other night. It was thrilling, and goes without saying that I believe that the right candidate won.

I went to a talk on "Vanishing cycles of holomorphic foliations by curves and foliated shells" today, which was given by my Russian officemate. It was fantastic. I imagine that he is an absolutely wonderful lecturer- he had a brilliant way of making everything accessible! I don't understand why I always seem to enjoy/understand more in seminars which are unrelated to my area than those which are on it? I can barely last 20 minutes in seminars on Algebraic Geometry and Arithmetic Number theory. There was a graduate student mini-course on "group cohomology" today and that was just horrific. I know the basics of group cohomology, but I (and the other students that I spoke to about it afterwards) thought it was going to be a mini-course on understanding it better, not assuming flawless knowledge (or at least a working knowledge) of it... which it seemed to.. There seems to be this virtual bar of knowledge that is implicitly assumed here and anything below this bar will never ever be explained! Unfortunately I am not sure where the bar lies, all I know is that I lack ALOT of the knowledge below this bar!

Conclusion: I feel more stupid than ever.

I spent all of this morning lost in the city, trying to find the graduate school to hand it a form with basically just my name on because it was essential that they had it before tomorrow. I returned to the institute to find the receptionist armed with a camera clamoring to take my photograph. Damn, I thought she has forgotten about that. I successfully have managed to avoid having it done for 4 weeks .. but now.. eugh .. my image has been captured for the photoboard.. and it is a "I'm very flustered , red-faced, hideous" image.

Winter-gate

1. For the past few days my non-Russian office mate has been putting his coat on the un-pronged coat-peg. I have found this disconcerting. Yesterday I cracked and asked him why he was doing that and if he was only doing it to mess with my mind... turns out he "doesn't give it a second thought where (he) puts his coat". Also, he now thinks I am insane. He gave me a sort of confused stare and asked "what is it like to see the world through your eyes?" and that he couldn't work out if I was "neurotic in a sweet way or a scary way?" Firstly, I am not neurotic in ANY way. Secondly, I know he somehow worked out what was happening with the coat pegs and has just been playing with me. I don't know how to counter this action, should I not wear a scarf, succumb to the cold and just use the un-pronged coat peg? Should I proceed as usual and pretend I don't care where I or anyone else in the office puts their coats? I suppose I could keep my coat on or wait until everyone is here and then use the non-used one? This is just a minefield of options.
   
   
2. "Women in mathematics look like horses." This is what a postdoc said to a group of people at coffee the other day. I scanned around the group- yes I am the only girl here- didn't really need to check, but hey, it doesn't hurt. I decided to stick up for my gender and said that "even if that were true then that would still be a favourable comparison to what male mathematicians looked like!"
   
   The reaction: "maybe I think you don't like mathematics that much" accompanied by a wink. A WINK. A disgusting wink. Unbelieveable.
   
   The guy next to me then said "Ahh, you strange but wonderful creature."
   
   I think I am going to stop going to coffee.
   
   
3. Turns out, I live next to a grave yard. I can't believe that I didn't notice this.
   

The least favourite PhD student.

It has already happened... I am my supervisor's least favourite PhD student. I was at coffee today when the other new PhD student came over to me. He asked how my meeting had gone with our supervisor. I told him I'd done the mandatory 5 hour wait for a slot, then sat on a bench outside his office with him while he chastised me for not using notation properly. Conclusion: I thought it had gone OK.

He seemed oddly surprised by this. So I asked him how his meeting had gone...

"Oh well, we went to lunch together and had a nice talk."

Oh. Clearly I am the crap one. I wish that I hadn't been told this vital piece of information. I liked it better when I thought we all had to wait and fight for our supervisor's time..

Bonn jour

So for better or worse I live in Bonn now.

1. It has been a relatively good week socially. I have been out quite a number of times with other people from the Institute.
   
2. I met my supervisor on Friday (after the obligatory 5 hour wait). Up until this point I was honestly wondering why I was here, I was wondering if I had perhaps made a poor decision- but talking with him (or rather him just talking at me) made me realise that he is the reason I am here. He is just great.
   
3. Maths-wise, I have not been so productive. It seems that doing a PhD is all about striking the balance between doing little work and coping your the guilt from doing little work.
   
4. I have been feeling exhausted for the past week. My eyes hurt and I feel on the verge of illness. If I am going to be ill I wish this would just happen.

Coat-peg update: Russian man hasn't been in for a while. One of the pronged coat-pegs is close to being secured as rightfully mine... unless he returns and seizes it back again.

Coat Peg politics

There are 3 coat pegs in the office and 3 people. Two of them have a prong at the top for hats/ scarves. One does not and is situated a little lower than the other two. I really want to put my coats and scarves on one of the ones with the prongs because on the one without the prong my scarves keep falling off, but I am scared that the guys will thing I am breaking some sort of unwritten rule of using their pegs. But they don't need the upper prongs!

Today, after almost 3 weeks of worrying of this I finally worked up the courage to put my coat/ scarf on a pronged peg. When I came back from lunch the Russian man had moved his coat to the peg I had used before. What does this mean? And more importantly... is this actually bothering anyone else in the office like it is me? I have the sneaking suspicion that the answer is no and in actual fact he had just been out to lunch (like he usually does) when I had and had just got back before me...

...

I feel like each day I get a little more broken. And I don't know how to fix myself.

Don't stop me now!

1. I sat waiting patiently for a seminar yesterday and nobody turned up. When I went to inquire as to what had happened I was informed that I had missed it because 16.10 was the date not the time of the seminar.. It was embarrassing and now I am sure that people will think I can't even understand dates and 24-hour time. I am a moron.
   
   
2. It was a little cold and so I stood up and asked the person next to me if he minded if I closed the window. The response was "I loathe your submissiveness". Apparently, what I would call "politeness" is "loathsome submissiveness" in me. Just when I thought I had worked out all of my character flaws...

Days are stressful. I feel like my self-confidence takes a regular thrashing. Please people, you win. Don't make me keep getting into the ring-- you win, you win. I am rubbish! To prepare myself for these days I listen to a theme song on the way in. At the moment it is "Don't stop me now" by Queen. I only live far enough away for 2 repetitions. Every morning I wish I lived a little further a way...

... like back at home!

The Rules

There are certain things that you are allowed to do in Germany that wouldn't really work in England:

1. Take dogs anywhere. I've seen them in supermarkets, department stores, banks...
2. Wear any item of leather/ white denim clothing.
3. Go up to people directly and say something about their face. Yesterday I was having a stroll through town when this man popped up and pointed at my face and said something. I only managed to translate the word "face" but I tried to memorise the phrase and look it up in my dictionary when I got home. I obviously immediately rushed to a mirror to see if I had anything smeared across me! But no. And needless to say I was unable to translate what the man had said. However I have now learned the words for ugly, unattractive and unpleasant in case I should ever be in that situation again.

I have only been "in the office" a week and I have already lost my access card. I am pretty sure the receptionist will look at me like I am massively incompetent when I finally get around to telling her. However, if I am being fair, this is no less than I deserve.

German Beer

When I was struggling in the Stadthaus with the millions of German forms I have to fill in I met a Dutch guy Alex. Last night I went out with him and this Greek flatmate. This morning I have a shocking hangover... I think I'd forgotten what hangovers felt like. They certainly don't feel nice.

Dear God

Dear God,

Please let my MAPLE code work today. Please let me find the anti-commutative tensor notation that the new version of MAPLE seems to have erased. Please let it just be finished because it has dragged on for 4 whole days now and I grow weary of it.

Amen

I don't know.

I miss home, and I can't tell my parents because they will respond with the oh-so-supportive "this was your decision". I can't really explain it to any friends from university because most of them are actually still at my old university and will say, in that slightly exasperated way at what they perceive to be my own melodrama, "oh it'll be fine". I don't want to hear that. I know I am supposed to be brave and laugh and think that it will be fine, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to explain that I feel more lonely here than I ever have before. I am scared I will forget what my voice sounds like.

Ich bin ein...

So, I am in Germany.

1. I had a fantastic final weekend in London with Mike, Ken and Gareth.
   
2. Arrived at airport and had to removed 9kg of stuff. Limit has changed from 32kg to 23kg.
3. Flouted BA's rules of only 2 pieces of hand luggage. Got away with flout by crying loudly all the way through security, thereby distracting guards when I sneakily put 2 big bags and a small suitcase through.
4. Arrived in Frankfurt. Big suitcase not on carrousel.
   
5. Waited over 3 hours in a BA customer services queue to get a form to fill in, and a miniature milky way.
6. Arrived in Bonn 13 hours after leaving house to travel. The flight only took 1.5 hours.
   

But today my luggage has arrived! My things are here and that makes me happy. I will never again take for granted having all of my things! I will also never again pack my hand luggage so non usefully. All I really managed to bring in that were enough textbooks and notepads to have built a small fort.

Re: ality

1. My brother (who has returned home for a bit from university- despite only having been a way for a little over a week [obviously he misses me!!]) has given me a lot of music for my new mac. This makes me happy. I think he only agreed so that he could go through his own music calling out artists and then laugh at my blank face...                                                                 
2. I am trying not to listen to sad music, so as not to perpetuate my misery.                                                                                                                                                                                                             
3. Went to see "Mama Mia" with mum and her sisters. Sadly I am generally rubbish compared to "Sophie" in the show... that was possibly the closest my mum is "ever going to come to a wedding"... but I won points because I was the only niece/daughter who braved the event!                                                                                                                                    
4. I have to get up to have my photograph taken by the local paper tomorrow. 9am is a most inconvenient time for me to be anyway that is not my bed. I am not very happy with this at all!                                                                                                                                                                 
5. I miss Joey.                                     

Tom, Anna and I

I have spent the last 4 days in Durham. It was really, very good. God, I am going to miss it. I am going to miss my Anna and Tom, sitting and moaning about everything and generally talking about anything. I'll miss take-aways and and play fights. I will miss hugs and tantrums. I will miss everything about them. 

A dog by any other name...

Today I was thinking about modular forms and the Riemann surfaces on which they live. This is really very interesting, expecially thinking of Riemann surfaces as ringed spaces. It seems so much nicer to me to consider a complex structure on a topological space X, not as an equivalence class of coordinate coverings of X, but as a sheaf of C-algebras on X satisfying the condition that there is an open covering X= Uu_{i} such that each (u_{i}, O_{X}u_{i}) is isomorphic to a standard ringed space.

It was quite a nice day so late in the afternoon I decided to go for a walk. I always walk in the fields behind my house, so I began on my usual route.

As I approached the old railway bridge, I saw a group of people. So I quickly reduced the sound on my iPod. There are 2 reason why I do this.

1. I don't want people potentially thinking that I have an awful taste in music.
2. I don't want people to hear my music in case they think I think I don't have awful taste in music and am trying to subject them to it.

I have to perform this task discreetly because otherwise people might realise the reasons why I am doing this, thus negating the precautionary measures, and making me look even more pathetic.

Anyway, as I approached I realised it was a group of teenagers. Watching me. Oh god. My ultimate nightmare. Immediately I think "Am I walking normally?" I am always more aware of abnormal walking when people are watching me. I didn't want to look at them too much- but I ended up doing that flickering of the eyes towards and away from them.

I don't understand why teenagers always seem to be so confident. I don't remember being confident. I also don't understand why they always make me feel like I am back in high school- like they're poised ready to lock me in the girls' toilet.

Then as I walked past, the inevitable insult came:

"I thought you had to have a dog to walk here. But then I suppose you are one..."

Oh god. I've heard it. They knew I'd heard it and we all know it's true! Just when I can't feel worse about myself, it happens. Well done, teenagers.

I scurried on past, probably crimson red, mentally planning a new route home to avoid any other possible encounters with people. I hate people, but more than that- I really hate being me.

Eyes Eyes Eyes.

1. I went to the Optician's on Monday. I now have stronger glasses. I took the opportunity to fully question the woman on 20-20 vision. Or rather the 6-6 vision that the English use. I think she got annoyed by this and as punishment when I had to have the glucoma test (the one where the pressure in the eye is tested by blowing a puff into the eye) she missed my eye twice. Eurgghh. I hate that test. I also hate it when they look into your eye with a microscope. This always makes me feel like I have a tumour.
   
   
2. I got an email asking me to confirm an interview I have at the LMS soon. The email said "please confirm by Friday COP." As I did not understand what "COP" means (and a google search yielded many non-useful acronyms) I replied asking, and the lady sent me back an email saying:
   
   "COP means Close of play – a work term you may find you will use often, if you ever have a career, to get ppl to meet deadlines!"
   
   What does this mean? Does she infer that I will never have a career? Has she being speaking to my parents?
   
   
3. Oh and anyone on facebook, please add tetris.
   

Every woman should be able to...

MSN news has provided me with 30 things I should be able to do...

1. Put herself first.
   Well, I don't have children or anything so I am having this one.
   
2. Leave the house without make-up on.
   It isn't pretty but I can, and frequently do this one.
   
3. Walk in high heels.
   Sadly, no. I am in no way graceful or elegant.
   
4. Walk in flat shoes.
   Yes. Huzaar!
   
5. Drive.
   No.
   
6. Put flat-pack furniture together.
   I don't know. I'd like to think I can.
   
7. Say no.
   I don't understand this one. Apparently men "say no" all the time...
   
8. Go out alone.
   I don't really have too many qualms about having lunch alone, or going to the cinema alone. This is necessary if you have few friends.
   
9. Master her own finances.
   Well, no one else is willing to do it...
   
10. Keep a blog.
    Yes.
    
11. Know how a computer works.
    Yes.
    
12. Ask a man out.
    I can think of nothing worse.
    
13. Put herself forward.
    Again, I don't understand this one. I can't imagine suggesting myself for anything, because then that would infer I would think I were the best person for the task. This is very unlikely.
    
14. Hold her own in the presence of a car mechanic.
    Probably not.
    
15. Pitch a tent.
    Yes.
    
16. Walk away from a bad relationship.
    ?
    
17. Give her opinion.
    Yes.
    
18. Do DIY.
    This depends. I can and have changed a plug. Does this count?
    
19. Cultivate male friendships.
    Most of my friends are male.
    
20. Be single (and happy).
    Not sure about the happy bit.
    
21. Know what "her" karaoke song is.
    Karaoke... I have to be very drunk, then I'll sing anything.. badly.
    
22. Assert her needs.
    I don't understand these vague ones about "needs" and "wants" and "desires".
    
23. Age gracefully.
    Just aging at the moment.
    
24. Make at least one impressive dinner party meal.
    I've only ever cooked once properly for my friends. I think it went well. I have a scar down my arm from it. (Note: this is not why I think it went well.)
    
25. Know what suits her.
    Oversize T-shirts with foreign words on them suit me. I'm having this one.
    
26. Forget about her own stuff for a while.
    Too vague.
    
27. Use a digital camera/ iPhone/ Sky+box/ other gadget.
    Mainly yes.
    
28. Pack lightly.
    Yes.
    
29. Do nothing.
    The last few months have been testiment to that!
    
30. Love herself the way she is.
    Urghh, I hate the writers of MSN news.

Well, I imagine that was exciting for everyone.

What is success?

Success, I suppose, means different things to different people. Sadly, it seems that my mum has some magical conditions on what success is- conditions which I can never know and am always going to fall short of.

Back in Blighty

1. I lost my luggage in Zurich on the way over to Germany. This was mainly my own fault. And when I say mainly, I mean definitely. So I lost the slides I had prepared for my talk. Shit. I rushed to make a few notes before I had to give it. It was amusing when I got there and was greeted by "You're the speaker?!" I think the organiser was generally very disappointed; when I delved into my bag to withdraw a single sheet of screwed up paper he exclaimed "is that all you've got?!" Sadly, yes... I am THAT crap. Regardless I ploughed on. It turns out I can just stand at the board and speak unrehearsed for long periods of time. Whether I spoke competantly is a different matter...
   
   
2. The Institute is fantastic. Seriously plush. I now have my 24-hour access card, which is so exciting! The library is to die for. Simply amazing.
   
   
3. The city itself is very beautiful. I can't believe that I am lucky enough to get to live there. And live there I shall, in less than 4 weeks now... I need to start thinking about what I am going to take. I need to create a shortlist for the books, CDs and DVDs. I have limited room, but I don't want to get out there and lament the loss of either my Poirot books or my Poirot DVDs. Maybe I could do an X-factor/ America's Next Top Model type thing. "Congratulations Michael Jackson's Thriller, you will continue on in hopes of being in Steph's suitcase..." Maybe not.
   
   
4. I discovered 2 more HORRIFIC typos in my dissertation. This makes me very annoyed with myself. I can't believe they slipped through the net.

The Curse of Attractive Friends.

1. Email correspondence with Germany would suggest some of them think that my name is Sarah. I have subtly tried to hint that this is not my name, but to no avail. I hope that this won't have any awkward consequences when I am there next week. In hindsight I probably should have just said "this is not my name." To be safe, I won't put my name on any slides I may use there.
   
   
2. I met Anna for lunch today. We did some shopping. Well, Anna did, because clothes look good on her. I hate changing rooms and the looks that the immaculate shop assistants give you when ushering you into a harshly lit cubicle. I just know they are thinking when I am
   
   On the way in:
   a) Oh my god, you have no fashion sense, you just picked up the trick outfit in the shop.
   b) Oh my god, you are never going to fit in that. That would look so much better on me.
   
   On the way out:
   a) That's it, put it back and walk shamefully from the shop..
   b) See, I told you. Now, put it back and walk shamefully from the shop..
   
   Clothes shopping must be performed as one would pull off a plaster: it must be done with maximum speed and at the appropriate time to ensure minimal pain. Unfortunately there will always be pain.
   
   Tips for successful shopping
   
   (i) Try to enter the cubicles when the shop assistant is elsewhere.
   (ii) Choose a cubicle that is not near people. Remember that the curtains do not always fit perfectly and the last thing you want is nearby people to catch anything unsightly.
   (iii) If you need to make a potentially stressful purchase: go alone. I had a traumatic bikini shopping experience with two friends when I was 18. Result: no bikini, tears and I had to watch them parade round modeling perfectly fitting items multiple times.
   (iv) If someone from a cosmetics counter tries to make eye contact with you- run. Especially if it is these people. I have only been foolish enough to be trapped once. They made me "look at my face closely" in an indecently magnified mirror to "highlight my problem areas." Like I don't know what they are already! They knock your confidence and then convince you that you need their products to hide these errors. Then before you know it you're at the till handing over your screaming credit card as they scan a load of previously unpriced miracle products that "you simply must have." Don't put yourself through it.
   
   
3. I downloaded some German podcasts today. I had to create a new play list for them on my iPod. I didn't really relish the idea of messing with my nicely collated system- but needs must.
   
   
4. I managed to make the best tasting piece of toast I have ever had today. I think it was almost perfect. I'll probably never be able to replicate such excellence again. However, as toast is my signature dish- I'm sure I will have plenty of practice.
   
   

Duvet Comfort

Today I felt really low. So much so that half way through the afternoon I just hid under my duvet to try and make it all go away. Reasons why, at 22 years old, I feel the need to resort to such a childish method, not of resolution, but of comfort:

1. I feel very stupid and like there is no point moving somewhere where everyone will realise that I am no where near intelligent enough to continue with maths.
2. I'm scared I am not going to make any friends.

I am just very scared. I am worried that I have made the wrong decision, but I am more worried that I haven't actually made a decision myself.

Then I thought for fuck's sake. Get a grip.

1. I really want to go to Germany. I love doing what I'm doing and it is such an amazing opportunity.
2. If I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough and I'd have to deal with that anyway.

So now I am watching "Saw 3" with my brother and writing some slides. My main problem with this film is that the wife seems to be of Indian or Iranian descent.. yet the children look suspiciously caucasion.

PART 4: A new arrival and a murder

For Gareth.

PART 1: The guests arrive.
PART 2: A woman scorned.
PART 3: Breakfast and a shooting party.

PART 4: A new arrival and a murder

It was some time later when Poirot carefully screwed the top back on his ink pen, returned it to the silver-plated pen stand and tucked the newly inked letter away into his breast pocket. Standing up from the mahogany writing table he smiled to himself as he observed Captain Severs’ head lolling over the broad sheet he had spread over his knees, which had been swung casually up on to the arm of the elegant leather sofa.

Poirot walked over to the window and looked out over the garden. He admired the perfect lines of the wide, green lawns and he appreciated the full bloom of the flower beds. Sitting by the folly far down into the garden sat Lady Cheerton with Miss Jenni Ruth. Thinking to himself that that moment would be ideal to take a turn in the garden his eyes traced the path back up to the house. Suddenly he stopped. There was a man poking around in the ferns. But this was certainly no gardener, the cut of the man’s scarlet red jumper told otherwise and far as Poirot could tell this was no member of the party. There was a rustle from behind him and frowning slightly Poirot turned slowly away from the window. Captain Severs had awoken with a start,

“Oh hello there Poirot. Just resting my eyes for a moment.”

Captain Severs turned his eyes back to the broad sheet.

“I say, just look at this wonderful investment opportunity Poirot.”

Poirot rolled his eyes and turned back to the window. The man had gone.

* * * *

It was another hour before Poirot had readied himself and leaving Captain Severs to his reading Poirot exited to the garden. He took the side door and walked through the flower gardens along the side of the house. When he eventually came to the point where he had seen the man from the window poking around he stopped, took out his handkerchief, placed it carefully on the floor and knelt on it. Parting the shoots gently her peered in.

“Aha,” Poirot muttered in triumph as he reached in and pulled out a small piece of glass.

Raising it in the air Poirot examined it carefully; it was unmistakably the remains of the bulb of a pipette. Poirot stood up, straightened his clothes and thoughtfully wrapped the piece of glass in his handkerchief and secreted it into his pocket, before continuing to walk through the garden.

As he approached the folly he saw an additional figure at the garden table with Lady Cheerton and Miss Jenni and smiling to himself he walked purposefully towards the figure in the fitted scarlet jumper.

* * * *

“Ah my dear Monsieur Poirot” chorused Lady Cheerton as she saw Poirot approach, “do come and join us.”

Poirot declined his head in a polite little nod and took a seat opposite the new arrival.

“Well, Monsieur Poirot, let me introduce Dr Care.”

The new arrival extended his arm and the two men exchanged a brief, but firm handshake.

“Dr Care has just this moment arrived to join our little party,” continued Lady Cheerton “he joins us from America.” And then after a slight pause, she reproached “with little warning I must say.”

“The famous Monsieur Poirot,” drawled the man in red, seemingly unperturbed by the Lady’s reprove.

"Quite,” replied Poirot.

“Why, Lady Cheerton, I must compliment you on your so beautiful flower beds. Zhey are most agreeable, are zhey not Dr Care?”

“Oh I wouldn’t know about all that, Poirot,” laughed Dr Care, “I haven’t had chance to look around yet. I just this second got here.”

“Ah oui, but zhere iz still time to ‘av a poke around, eh monsieur?”

Poirot smiled at Dr Care, who smiled back. The smile did not spread to his eyes.

* * * *

The gong for luncheon sounded at precisely 1.15 and Poirot, having one last glance to ensure his reflection was parfait, started to the dinning room with Captain Severs. As they turned the corner to take the wide sweeping stairs to the entrance hall, Poirot stopped abruptly. Looking up at him from the entrance hall was a cluster of people: Lady Cheerton, Reverand Cheerton, Dr Gangle, Trevelyan and Dr Care. They stood around a figure on the floor.

“It’s Professor Glasgow,” came the shaky voice of Lady Cheerton,

“He’s dead!”

loss of internet access=the unthinkable

The administration sent me an email today to tell me that they have found me somewhere to live. It appears that I will be living on the outskirts of Narnia... or at least in something of comparable size. I'd actually quite like to live near Narnia. I'm not sure where I'd be more likely to make friends; in reality or in a fictional place. Actually, I think I know the answer to this... and it would depend on if it were my fictional place or somebody else's (which may be reality?) This is not what worries me though. As of yet I am uncertain as to if there is an internet connection. I can't not have an internet connection. What the hell would I do with my time? Seriously, I can't even imagine not having constant email access, ArXiv access, msn, facebook, the webcomics... I would literally have to stay in my office all the fucking time.

Pros:

1. Very close to institute. Could walk there.
   
2. Situated in town.
3. Reasonably priced.
4. Wouldn't have to share/ pretend to be normal around an unknown entity (flatmate). I doubt I'd be able to cope with a new person judging me all the time. God, I can imagine them inviting friends around and them all commenting on me in a foreign language that I don't understand and I wouldn't even know! And I wouldn't be able to ask because then that would make me look strange and they'd talk about that. It would be a vicious cycle. No. This can not happen.
   
5. Wouldn't have to run the risk of having any input into this arrangement myself.
   

Cons:

1. There may be no internet connection.

I suppose I could attempt to nurture some sort of fledging social life. But at what cost? I am certain I don't want it to be at the cost of my daily wikipedia dose. No sir!

Quiz Time

I just had this sent to me. My result concerns me. What does "n1 anxiety, n2 awkwardness, n3 neuroticism" actually mean? What are these unknown units?

Will I ever get married?

Apparently not.

I mentioned to my mum that I have been invited to a person I knew from high school's wedding.

"Oh really! ..... It's a shame you'll never get married."

"Erm? Why is that?"

"Well, you're doing this PhD."

"Oh."

I didn't really know what to say to this, but apparently "I have made my decision" and my mum "doesn't blame me" because "I've always been different, not like any of the other little girls" and "I never wanted to look nice."

Ouch.

I know that she probably doesn't mean to be insulting, but my mum really knows how to destroy any self-esteem I can manage to muster.

On a more Olympic-based note, team GB are doing very well. I can't believe we're 3rd on the medals table! From the whole games highlights have to have been:

1. Michael Phelps' history-making performance.
2. Men's 100m.
3. Women's 800m free.
4. Women's marathon.

Today I booked some flights. Task 1 for the day complete. Task 2: feel less of a failure as both a daughter and a female.

Doubles on Table Tennis just looks odd...

I am now sleeping around the BBC coverage of the Olympics. This is not too different from my usual sleeping patterns- except now I have a legitimate reason for this.

Pro: I can watch the Olympics all the time.
Con: I am watching the Olympics all the time...

... and doing nothing else. I really need to book some flights and write a talk, but I have over a week to do this. I hope this won't cut into any precious "Olympic-watching" time.

Question I was asked: Can you think of a non-closed subgroup of a Lie group?
My Answer: Take {(e1+ae2}t : t real} with a irrational, in the torus. This is not-closed. It is dense.

This question got me thinking about Lie groups and I have spent some time learning more about their classification via root systems and Dynkin diagrams. I like the simple combinatorics of the Dynkin diagram. With the new knowledge I have acquired snippets of some of the talks I went to last week are suddenly making much more sense. Perhaps it would have been better for me to have been asked this question earlier...

Hmm... as I await my next installment of Olympic goodness I just turned on The Grudge by accident. I think I am now a bit scared. Thank goodness BBC Parliament has been suspended for more coverage. Also, I love my red button privileges.

That's all from us here in the Bird's Nest. Until tomorrow..

In training

Eurgghh I feel like shit!

I stayed up last night to watch the swimming. I really wanted to see the women's relay, that WE WEREN'T IN!! Watched the shocker of Lisbeth Trickett qualify in 9th position and then make it through by the skin of her teeth via a disqualification. And of course, any race, heat or otherwise with Michael Phelps is a must.

I was going to go to bed after this but then I got trapped watching men's gymnastics.. and I'm still up. I'm not sure this was a good idea given I actually have real appointments to keep today.
I don't know, the lengths we athletes go to to support our country...

But the Olympics is really worth it. I can't wait for the athletics to start. Go team GB!

"I'm through accepting limits, just 'cus someone says they're so"

1. I apparently left the gas on today.
   Pro: The fact that it has been a while since I have done this is surely a positive thing.
   Con: I left the gas on.
   
   
2. I love the musical Wicked. I love the song Defying Gravity. I find this motivating, but not an "Eye of the Tiger" kind of motivating, which makes me feel obliged to exercise. As a result this song has now made it on to my iPod. I am not sure why any music I put on there has to go through a stringent checking period whereby I probe my mind demanding to know exactly how much I like to song and which of my playlists it can be appropriately placed into. It is not as if my iPod is short of space. I also honed my playlists today. There are 3 of them: "Algebraic Geometry", "Number Theory" and "Geometry." Defying Gravity has been added to the "Number Theory" playlist.
   
   
3. I think I really like Idina Manzel.
   
   
4. My EHIC came today. I am now entitled to the same health insurance as a native person in other European countries. Basically, I am now in a position to look for health insurance.
   
   
5. I have eaten 3 packets of crisps today. I am such a heffa.
   

The week gone by...

I have spent the last week at a conference on "Multiple Dirichlet Series and Applications to Automorphic forms" in Edinburgh. I really enjoyed it. Some of the talks were very interesting. Notably "Arithmetic analysis of the multiple zeta values" by Alexander Goncharov, "Quasi modular forms" by YoungJu Choie and "Unitary Periods" by Omer Offen. It has really given me a lot to think about. The good think about conferences is that if there is a a talk that you don't particularly understand (and at my low level; this is a guarantee) you can just work on your own material and you obtain "free maths." I feel like this week I have had some very productive hours.

The weather in Edinburgh was not very good. When I was walking around the castle with a person I met at the conference the heavens just opened and we got absolutely drenched. This set the precedence for the week, as the weather continued to be shit. The castle was very impressive though. Instead of taking accommodation with the participants I stayed with a friend of mine (Paul) who graduated from my university the year before to do his PhD in Differential Geometry in Edinburgh. This was pleasant, we cooked nice food, saw some street performers, went dry-wall climbing and in one of the rare breaks in between the showers we climbed Arthur's seat. The view from there was beautiful. His flat is amazing- he is like a real person now. Very grown up. It was a very tiring week. I had to get up at 7.30 am each morning and because Paul wasn't rising until much later we went to bed quite late. It was all worth it though. I had a great time!

On my way back home I dropped in to visit John and Kirsty (and Luke) in Durham. This was fun. We watched Princess Mononoke, which is absolutely fantastic. John introduced me to World of Warcraft. Although I initially mocked; this is potentially something I may do. I can see myself now in Germany- rushing back to my poky bedsit (note: this is actually wishful thinking on my part given I still am yet to make any headway on "operation find somewhere to live") to carry out fictional quests. We met our (ex-)lecturer for coffee and had "good maths chat." Although it made me feel a bit sad that I wouldn't be around next year, instead I'll be elsewhere not able to access my email on some Unix based computer...

Moral of the week: people do not relish being filmed on my video phone. Although apparently this makes me laugh a lot.

Result of the week: I feel happy.

Sorting things out.

Today I felt I needed to do something productive. What motivated this? Fear. Big, fat, stomach-tightening fear. Plus I did something last night which makes me question my sanity (sometimes I just shouldn't be allowed an unmonitored internet connection), so I felt the time had arrived to re-balance the situation. So I...

1. Applied for a European ID card. This was a lot harder than it sounds as it involved walking from my Doctor's to the post office multiple times and making many phone calls to a variety of different offices, many of which had no idea what I was talking about. I remain convinced if they don't know how to answer a question they just give the caller the phone number of the extension on the next desk. Frankly, I am surprised I didn't just give up, go home and succomb to the ever present and overwhelming urge to lie around in my pyjamas eating custard creams.
   
   
2. Sent a rather pathetic email to the place I am going to in Germany detailing the fact that I really can't live on my own and would it be possible for me to flat-share? I think that would be much better (for me) as I truly am inept. I keep having all too real mental images of me setting fire to something or having a gas leak or a burst pipe and having literally no idea what to do. I mean, I had the fire-brigade out twice and British gas out once in one week last year when I was left alone for these very reasons! To be fair, they were all mainly false alarms, but I can't imagine what I'd be like in a country where I don't speak the language. Perhaps less 999-happy...? Or whatever the European equivalent of 999 is. [Note: find out.]
   
   
3. Emailed my supervisor to arrange a telephone meeting. Yet another thing to worry about!
   
   
4. Finally declined my offer from the graduate school at my former university. Much to the relief of the admissions officer.
   
   
5. Looked at train times to Edinburgh. It seems I will have make 2 changes. This is unavoidable, no matter what time I wish to travel. It also appears the Edinburgh Fringe Festival will be occurring. This may be good. Or it may be a massive inconvenience.
   

I went for a walk this evening. I am never going for a walk near the old railway track again close to dusk. There was a woman with no teeth who approached me and grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go and proceeded to tell me that her mother had died on the train track. I had two thoughts run immediately through my head. One: she was going to kill me. Two: I was going to miss the ITV Poirot dramatisation. Being completely unable to deal with such situations I opted to ignore her strange comments and her grip on my arm and make polite conversation. She suggested we walk to the canal. In retrospect I definitely should have just ran away screaming, but the potentially fatal urge to be polite at all times caused me to be led towards the canal. Although at her question of "can you swim?" my head cried "NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T! ABORT THIS SITUATION!" So I did. I pointed out that I would in fact be missing David Suchet's excellent performance and I was very sorry but I would have to leave immediately. She sort of lunged towards me to kiss me on the cheek. This was a bit too much for me, I don't find that acceptable in normal situations so I removed her hand from me and shuffled quickly off proffering my best wishes for her journey home. I then broke in to a run, which I managed to maintain until she was out of sight (the hours on the bike have paid off!). I would hate to have had to stop where she could have seen me, as she may have just murdered me, but more importantly she may have thought that I was desperately unfit.

I wish strange people wouldn't approach me. It puts me in quite the social quandary.

Case of the missing 1

Today I lost a 1. More precisely, a 1 from an exponent. This annoys me greatly. I hope I can locate it tomorrow. Boo hiss boo.

Does not compute.

Last night I went out. Shocking, I know! I went with a couple of old college friends to a free bar (I say "free" I actually mean you give the club £10 and they give you a glass which you keep getting refilled/ swapped at the bar). I hadn't been to this club for a number of years, but I was surprised at the number of people there who recognised me and knew my name. I was perhaps a little more surprised that I could not remember many of these people at all.

As predicted I didn't recognise much of the music, but 3 drinks later this did not deter me from "throwing some awesome shapes" (?!) on the dance floor. I genuinely think that I have forgotten how to dance.

There were the obligatory "Look we're having fun" photographs taken of course. I really hope they don't make it to facebook. One friend removed his camera and immediately everyone else I was with had positioned themselves into what they believe to be their most photogenic poses. And when the flash went off I was the only one standing looking like a complete trog, caught mid-action or mid-sentence with red-eyes and confusion branded across my forehead. I hate having photographs taken.

I spent a lot of time chatting with my friend Mark, who was recovering from cosmetic surgery to reduce excess fat from his chest. What the NHS pay for these days....

Mark says that I have always been " a bit of a robot" and this led to the joke of the evening that I "do not compute. Emotion. Does not compute. ERROR. ERROR." For some reason this made me laugh so much. I like Mark. He is inconceivably shallow and I have no emotional capacity- but we're still excellent friends. It's strange how these things happen.

Too honest?

Two years ago the student loans company (due to the introduction of top-up fees) allowed students to take out a loan for tuition fees. I, due to the fact that I was out of the country for the entire summer and am not particularly organised must have ticked the box to say I wanted a loan for that without realising. As usual my parents paid the tuition fees and it wasn't until earlier this year that the university noticed that "I" had paid the fees twice. To rectify this mistake they refunded my parents the fees (who generously gave it to me) and we thought the situation was finished.

This morning I received a cheque from the university for over a thousand pounds. This was obviously a mistake so I rang up the university accounts office. After 40 minutes of being passed around from office to office and being kept on hold I was asked to ring back later. Later I rang back and I endured a similar (although perhaps not quite so lengthy) game of being passed around until finally someone was willing to ask me my student number and try to get to the bottom of it. They said they would ring me back.

At length, I got a response. As I already knew, the cheque was a mistake and I was asked to return it. Following this the lady to whom I was talking began to commend my honesty. She seemed most surprised that I was so willing to return the money under my own impetus. I find this very odd, and I dislike the fact that she seemed to think that it would be the norm for me to just keep it.

Perhaps I am just bitter...

1. I was having a conversation with a younger next door neighbour earlier. We (maybe as I don't know how to talk to people) got on to the topic of facebook. Immediately came the question "how many friends have you got?" I hate the facebook obsession with having as many friends as possible. I don't need more contrived methods of validation in my life thank you. You would never go up to a person and demand to know how many real life friends they have. Thank god!
   I also hate it when people who didn't like you at high school "add you". Perhaps it's me being bitter and still nursing the wounds of being unpopular that I do not accept these friend requests and instead keep these people in a kind of facebook quarantine... exacting a revenge they'll never even realise...
   
2. I did another punishing session on the cycling machine today. I think I may almost be enjoying exercise, which would be a first.
   
3. I need to book some flights soon. Otherwise I will miss my talk and everyone will think I'm incompetent because I can't even travel.
   
4. I am going to watch The Craft. I hope that I don't become too scared. In some ways I still feel like I am 15 years old.

Fleeting reassurance

1. My own personal copy of Griffiths and Harris has arrived! This makes me happy.
   
2. My graduation photographs have arrived. I look like I can't spell the word mathamatics (sic), let alone do it...
   
3. I got an email from my Germany supervisor. The email began Dear Ms. *my surname*/*my first name* and ended Prof. *his surname* /*his first name*. I am confused. I ideally would rather he called me by my first name, but I would never dare call him my his first name. I am generally confused by the student/supervisor etiquette? I really really don't want to be unwittingly rude. Hopefully there aren't too many pitfalls here... but I can't be sure... Regardless, I am very excited about this. I absolutely can not wait to talk to him about what I am doing. Earlier I was having doubts about choosing Germany; I was wondering if my Canada option might have been a better choice for me- but now I feel somewhat reassured.
   
   

Why study maths?

If you have to ask the question, you will never understand the answer!

This is surely true of all passions.

Dreams about teeth

Recently I have had several dreams where some of my teeth fall out. Looking into dream mythology this means that apparently I have some fears:

*fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

*fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others.

I have arrived back from a weekend away where I went to a friend's housewarming in London. My parents consider him to have "made it". That is, he has a good job and a high salary and lives in London. He has a life plan. In short, I do not. So I suppose I have been fighting feeling of inadequancy and failure recently. Maybe my dreams stem from this? I also imagined that this housewarming would be attended with lots of accouting-type people who would look down on me and ask me that dreaded question "what do you do?"

If this were indeed the case then I combatted it with drinking much wine and (potentially) boring people with chat about my variations of mixed Hodge structures. I put "potentially" in brackets there because I still hold fleeting hope that someone else there, apart from myself, may have found it interesting. Anyway, it was a really good party and I got to see alot of my friends. I just need to feel like less of a failure.

Dr Horrible

This is one of the funniest things I have seen of the internet in a while. I await Act III.

http://www.drhorrible.com/

What would you save?

When I was an undergraduate my Dad drove me to university at the beginning of each year and so the amount of stuff I could take was not massively constricted. Today I got out my suitcase to evaluate how much space I would have to fill with things to take to Germany. So when I was mentally appraising everything I have I began to think of things that I couldn't live without (aside from the obvious food, liquid). If I could only save 5 physical items from my life, what would they be?

1. My bear (actually a lion).
2. My maths notebooks.
3. Some letters I have kept in a box.
4. The photos of my family from when I was young.
5. My USB stick.

For me, these are the irreplaceable. The lion, photos, letters: they are all things of a time that I can't get back. A perhaps silly toy that is older than me, yet I have barely spent a night without. I remember when he had to be washed in a pillowcase (so he wouldn't fall apart) and as a result there were the occasional nights when he was wet and I couldn't have him, so my Mum and Dad put him at the side of my bed to watch me. Physical photos from childhood; a time before digital, complacent, replaceable photos. Of long summers and happy christmases. Letters and cards documenting relationships that events have broken and time has eroded. The dissertation/maths notebooks and the USB stick. These contain my "original" work. Perhaps wrong and mainly a bunch of crap I still would want to save my own maths notes and doodles above anything I've ever made in lectures.

All these things are things I am fiercely proud of and hate the thought of losing. But some I wouldn't want to take away with me. I suppose it is the difference between remembering something, but not dwelling on it.

I asked my brother the same question. He replied with:

1. Phone
2. Laptop
3. Money
4. Trainers

and he didn't need a fifth.

It is interesting to me how we both interpreted the question. For me, I immediately thought of the irreplacable. For my brother, he seems to have picked more practical, less sentimental items. However this makes me a little sad actually.

So sad that I just broke off from writing this post and collected a pile of old photographs and put them into a big photograph frame for him. I've put it in his room. I hope that (even if he never admits it) this would now be his fifth.

The age old battle

Possibly the biggest battle since good vs evil.. perhaps this is even that same battle...

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrMaq62UMWbjHvveSd3Fp5qyqmMxKb1cg71uVGyhWgc7GSAzIszquWFK977CxVMaCrJIr0AI94jD56o3rDzWxc6ErWsskqf24gm88lZfYqt0minPYMVV3gCNzQ1pTv30od_XfDVClLs_IZ/s1600-h/sciencevsreligion.jpg

Go science!

Options, Options, Options.

So I have to find accomodation. I imagine. Up until now I have done nothing about this but an email to my inbox this morning has filled me with panic. Mainly because I don't understand it- given it is in German. I have translated one word "accomodation." The email is quite long and I feel it is probably quite important as at the bottom there is a space for me to sign and date it (I presumably then have to post it back or something). So I have several options:

1. Ignore it
2. Sign the form and send it off and hope I haven't sold a kidney
3. Get someone to translate it for me and find out what it actually says.

Obviously option 3 would be ideal, but that will take more effort from me. Plus I would probably have to ask supervisor #1, but last night supervisor #1 and supervisor #2 emailed me to ask me to do something and if I email back immediately, they may assume I have already done what they wanted. Option 2 could be a good thing to do as if I sign the form they might just sort everything out for me; but of course.. I could just be selling a kidney. Then there is good old option 1. I think I will linger on option 1 for a while. At least until I have to go there at the end of August.

Blowing things up isn't all bad!

In fact, in Algebraic Geometry it is rather useful. We always want to normalise algebraic curves, to get rid of those pesky singularities and letting C be an irreducible algebraic curve in P^2 and S denote the set of singular points of C we have the normalisation theorem to do this for us. Here we obtain a compact Riemann surface C' and a holomorphic map

f: C' ---> P^2

where f(C')=C, the number of points in the preimage of S under f (denote this S') is finite and

f: C' \ S' ---> C\S

is injective. But what are we doing to the singularities? We are blowing them up. This is, informally where each singularity is replaced by the space of tangent directions at the point.

We consider blowing up a points in complex space. Let z1,...,zn be the coordinates of n-dimensional complex space C^{n} and let w1,...,wn be the homogeneous coordinates of (n-1)-dimensional complex projective space P^{n-1} . We consider embedding

g: D={zi wj=wi zj} ---> C^{n} x P^{n-1}.

Composing with projection we obtain the holomorphic map

g: D ---> C^{n}.

Formally D is the blowup and g the blow up map. Defining E as the inverse image of the blow up locus Z under g we obtain an isomorphism,

g: D\ E ---> C^{n}\Z.

This is seen in the normalisation theorem. E is defined to be the exceptional divisor.

When have I used this? When calculating monodromy of certain multiple polylogarithms I considered the picture














and it was necessary to blow up to obtain














This told me around where monodromy has to be calculated. So blowing things up is useful!

The Decline of the Hat

The more I watch Poirot, the more convinced I become that the decay of society began when the English gentleman took off his suit with turned up collar and hat and donned a track suit instead. When "gay" and "ho(e)" and "queer" all meant very different things and murders were confined to manor houses motivated by that long forgotten "last will and testiment." Perhaps not... but I have limited resources to base my knowledge on.

The currency of society has always been suspicion. The "society pages" have always dominated the minds of the individual- speculating about the famous and infamous figures of the day. But today suspicion seems much more dark. I was shocked to read an article the other day speculating on some long dead actor being a paedophile. Stripping the article of all rhetoric and spite the only evidence to this was that he met his wife for the first time when she was 12. But let us look into popular culture. Monica (from long-running sitcom Friends) met Richard (boyfriend who was best friend of her fathers) when she was very young. Was he branded a pervert?

This actor may well have been a paedophile, but why are some articles so quick to be so spiteful in their suspicions? Well, I fear I know the answer. I read the Daily Mail.

Necessary Complex analysis...

Let U be an open set in C^{n} and f: U--> C be a C^{1}-map. Let u be in U and let T_{U,u} denote the tangent space to U at u. (Note: there is a canonical isomorphism between T_{U,u} and C^{n}.)

Def: A function f is holomorphic if for all u in U the differential df_{u} in Hom(T_{U,u},C)=Hom(C^{n},C) is C-linear. Equivalently f is killed by differentiation w.r.t the complex conjugate to each coordinate z_{i} of C^{n}.

We note that the set of all holomorphic functions forms a ring: if f is a holomorphic function that does not vanish on an open set U then 1/f is holomorphic and if f and g are both holomorphic functions then equally f+g and fg are.

It is also worth noting that composition of holomorphic functions also yields a holomorphic function.

More often than not the term "holomorphic" and "complex-analytic" are used interchangably and this is a result of the, not exactly trivial, theorem:

Theorem: Holomorphic functions in complex varaible z1, z2 ,.., zn admit expansions as power series in variables zi.

There are two particularly important complex analytic results which are studied very early on in an undergraduate course: Stoke's Theorem and Cauchy's theorem. Stoke's theorem (as I hope to get on to at some point) is important as it is used in Algebraic Geometry to pair de Rham cohomology and singular homology and Cauchy's theorem is important as it is used to obtain some very useful analytic continuation results.

Theorem: Let U be an open connected set of C^{n} and let f be a holomorphic function on U. If f vanishes on an open set of U then f is identically zero.

Riemann Extension Theorem: Let f be a bounded holomorphic function defined on the complement of a set {z : z1=0} in U, where U is an open in C^{n}. Then f extends to a holomorphic map defined on U.

Hartog's Extension Theorem: Let U be an open set of C^{n} and f a holomorphic function on the complement of a set S={z : z1=z2=0} in U. Then f extends to a holomorphic map defined on U.

We note that Hartog's Extension theorem also holds if S is of codimension 2 in U.

So what can we get from these extension theorems? They tell us that possible singularities of a holomorphic function can not exist unless the function is not bounded and are not defined on the complement of some analytic subset of codimension 2.

"And all... that... jazz.."

I keep listening to "All that Jazz" and "Cabaret" and as a result I am now convinced I could work on the stage... or again, be in the 1920's. I am now so caught up in this that I can't actually believe I won't be working in a theatre. It is a shame I can't sing or dance and hate public performances that are not structured talks. Maybe I should wait for next year's "Nancy" Auditions for Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I have decided that whenever I feel a bit sad I will go on a run. So today I found myself wheezing around the local green belt. Due to my intense dislike for physical exertion I will just have to train myself to not feel sad.

I bought a diary today. My initial thought was to organise my life. Unfortunately when it came to writing things in it I realised I don't really have anything to organise. It may become too distressing for me to consult a diary everyday and just see the pages and pages of nothingness... I really ought to not have bought "a-page-a-day-diary".. that was a mistake. I definitely do not need a whole page a day. That was absolute madness on my part! Currently I have "go to Germany" written. This feels vague. I probably ought to do something about that. But right now, I am dangerously close to starting an Angel marathon. Maybe I'll pencil that in the old diary...

"Don't cry because it's over..

..smile because it happened." (Anon)

I am reminded suddenly of this quote this morning (technically this afternoon) as I wake up and feel a little sad.

Yesterday I graduated. It seems hard to believe (as I sit, pyjama-ed, looking around my overcrowded room whilst listening to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber's back-catalogue) that yesterday I kissed Bill Bryson and had my degree given to me. I am usually very hard to please but the graduation ceremony was lovely. Bill Bryson (our chancellor) gave a succinct, yet somehow inspiring speech. Summing up he said that one should always take the time to look around and appreciate all that we have and all that there is in the world and that we should always strive to achieve what we want. It was a wonderful end to a joyous university time. Yes, I am sad to leave but I feel that wishing to go back would be an awful injustice to the happiness and sadness I had there: all the people I met and all the friends I made. In short, all the memories that were made- I would change none of them.

Maybe it is because the CD has made it to "Any dream will do," or maybe because this is the only way I can think of to obtain some sort of emotional closure; regardless I continue with this arguably overly-emotional post.

In my first week I met one of my best friends Anna, and hopefully she will always remain so. She is blunt and she is witty and she is intelligent and beautiful and she is everything I would hope to be. I made my P-maths friends: Gareth, Sam, Mike and Ken. I could not have hoped to find such like-minded people. They are just super and I am very pleased to call them my friends and I have absolute certainty that I always shall. At the end of third year Sam, Gareth and Mike left for the big wide world and I thought that, given Ken was doing such different modules to me, the final year would be such an anti-climax. But I was wrong. Along came John, and for this friendship I am so thankful. We had the best project meetings.. the best Algebraic Topology and Algebraic Geometry homework sessions. I am quite hard to deal with and John did this all magnificantly. He let his friends be my friends. He is so intelligent and loyal and so many more things. I have a sheet that he made for me one rainly, and particularly stressful, Thursday afternoon and I have kept it on my wall all year: on it a check list of things I shouldn't do. I shouldn't hide, I shouldn't run away and I shouldn't be scared. And he is, as reassuredly as he generally was all year, right. These words have impact, and even if he doesn't remember writing them I will still keep them. I hope he will always remember "Polylogarithms."

So how could wish to take all of this back? I can't and I shouldn't and I won't. Afterall what is life without change? To paraphrase Lorne from "Angel" (superior spin-off to Buffy) you can hold a note forever, but after a while this is just noise; it is the change that we listen for and it is the change that makes music. So now is the time to make more music.

Human Nature

It is strange how you can spend a really short amount of time with some people, but end up telling them all sorts of things you've never told some of your closest friends. When a hug is so meaningful and it is so hard to say goodbye.

Ending

So it finally happened: results came out and I'm going to graduate. This worries and scares me. This four year section of my life is coming to a close and I am slowly coming to the realisation that I will not be coming back to Durham next year. Agghh

Toot toot.. ahhhhh... beep beep

Finally my MAPLE code yields something of use. Well, I say of use- what I actually mean is the code agrees with a combinatoric approach I thought of to write down a closed form for the coproduct of MZV. And by "agreemment" I mean they agree after I spent about 2 days deciphering each of the 86 matrix outputs by hand. Not a task I relished. I am however blindly trusting a code I wrote a little under a year ago that I can not quite remember for the life of me how I actually managed to write it...

I am obviously only able to test this for depth 2,3,4,5 and (oh yes) 6 (the newest result after having left my computer running for a number of hours!). But so far I have the desired corroboration. Plus I am happy that coefficients come in very beautifully predictable pairs (usually pairs but not always- but this is explainable) of products of binomial coefficients (or at least they do conjecturally).

I want to be able to write down this closed form. This does seem more possible now. I am just trying very hard not to become lost in notation.

I had forgotten over the past couple of months just how exciting this project is. There is nothing quite as simultaneously frustating and delicious as being in the belly of a calculation.

I am visiting friends this weekend. I really hope that I won't need my computer program while I am away. I can take the notepads but taking my laptop may seem a little anti-social. I could take the work sheets on a memory stick I suppose, but then one would run the risk of my friends not having the appropriate software on their computers- which would be quite irritating. Boo hiss boo.

I also can not decide whether to take a Poirot with me. It's not strictly necessary, plus there really isn't enough time to make an informed decision with regards to which one to take. I could just take a foreign language dictionary, or go crazy and only take my notebooks.

Guinea Pigs are not stupid.

I want to lead all of the ducklings into my room and just have them walking around. Or a guinea pig. I definitely like guinea pigs.

I mainly hate girls

If it were up to me I would abolish the whole "mirror area" of a public toilet. I find it unnecessary. It also accounts for a slow turn-over in the hand-washing process, as the mirrors act as some bizarre trap for the straightened, plucked and probably freezing morons that totter around in implausibly impractical shoes amongst us. It is a battle to even get close to a sink as a pack of gossiping girls, each memorised by their own reflection, ask each other for mascara because "oh my god I can't believe I forgot it and I have to spend all day at the library". The library is not a fashion parade, the librarians are not the fashion police and the shelves are not lined with magazines filled with crap celebrity tips on how to look good anywhere....at least the mathematics shelves aren't anyway.

Plus I can't do Algebraic Topology, which may be the reason for my irritability. At least its raining and that probably means no one will be sitting on the small walls. Thank god for small mercies.

Away!

11.00 am:

I just got the fabled "exam fear." In one agonising punch to the stomach I woke up and thought "oh shit!"

11.59am:

Seems a little close to lunch to actually commence operation "Oh God please don't let me fail!"....

1.02pm:

Lunch over. Very scared. Ken just told me he was in the library for 11 solid hours yesterday.. not including time he worked in the morning. That is actually more revision than I have done in the last 4 days. Eek.

3.36pm:

It has taken over 2 hours to do one ridiculously small question. Even now I am not sure I could recreate it...

7.20pm:

Another long dinner. It is too hot. Ken didn't come back.. it makes me feel somewhat guilty for eating.. although in actual fact I should feel guilty for not doing any work.

8.30pm:

To the library- Away!

Could it be me?

I'd forgotten how much I hate the library around "revision time." I hate that people are inconsiderate enough to put all of their stuff out on a desk and then leave for hours at a time. When I go down in the morning I'm surprised people haven't adopted the German approach of creeping down at night to mark their seat with a towel! I bet they would if they could. I also hate the hoards of people sitting outside the library on the grass too. I'm not sure why this annoys me- but it does.

Tomorrow I'll have another crack at Algebraic Topology. I imagine as a result of this I will hate everyone in the library a lot more...

Could it be me?

"Bring it to the Table"

I hate this phrase. I have been watching alot of "The Apprentice (US)" and this is a common maxim that punctuates the show. "Bring it to the table!" "Bring it to the plate!" It is this weird thing that Americans have with bringing things to different/ undisclosed places. (c.f. America's next top model: "oohh you better bring it child!") I hope that our American lecturer (supervisor #2) doesn't expect me to bring anything anywhere when it comes to the exam. I am afraid that I am unable to bring anything unless I have explicit instructions on what it is, where to take it and how to handle it.

Speaking, or rather writing, of the exams- I am scared. Although seemingly not scared enough to do anything other than:

1. Write this entry,
2. Watch the new Peep show (available on youtube),
3. Watch the Apprentice ,
4. Worry about people sitting on those annoying little walls at the science site,
5. Be scared of the exams.

The current main fear lies with Algebraic Topology and Algebraic Geometry. But before I commence I'm pretty sure there are some web comics out there that I haven't checked. Maybe I'll bring them to the table...

Who is it?

I'm not sure what happened this evening... I have been solely on youtube for the last 8 hours watching Michael Jackson music videos.

I went to get something to eat, which involved me walking past some sit-down dinner in my pyjamas. I see no reason for me to change just for a 3 minute dash to a convenience store in the same building- regardless of whether or not the most efficient route goes via a dining hall.

There was only one talk today. I didn't understand any of it. So I stopped listening and thought about something else. I am more hopeful for tomorrow's talks though. And if not.. I know where my "off" switch is...


I really like the video to "Who is it?" http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oPZ_Ssop2Jg&feature=related Everyone should watch it and appreciate just how beautiful Michael is.

Pregnant Belly

I have arrived in Edmonton. I have to say that I am impressed with my travelling ability. It seems I am much more competant than I gave myself credit for.. I haven't died once on this trip!

It was quite sad to leave Banff; it really is a beautiful place and I can honestly say I had a fantastic time there. The plane I flew from Calgary to Edmonton was tiny and there was alot of turbulance- but I actually found that really fun. I am not sure what is protocol outside of England but a pregnant lady told me to touch her pregnant belly on the flight:

Lady: "Do you want to feel?"
Me: "Erm.. no.. thanks"
Lady: "Go on!"
Me: "Ok.. yes... very nice."

I only touched it with one finger and I think she thought that was weird. Mercifully that ended the conversation for the flight. Honestly that kind of behaviour just shouldn't be allowed. It wouldn't have happened on a domestic flight in the UK. British people understand what is acceptable travel conversation and that almost never involves touching stomachs. .. or actually speaking for that matter. I'm not sure what my response was supposed to be? "Gosh yes, that feels like a mighty healthy foetus you have there" or "Well done, you're pregnant and are far as I can see... no sign of a husband!" Actually, maybe she shouldn't have been flying if she were very pregnant, but I suppose she was just a bit fat as well.

My room here is great. I have a map of Edmonton and so I may venture out of my own accord in a bit. Afterall, I am an adult.

Oh Canada

I arrived in Banff, after some horrific travelling (I missed a connection in Denver due to a delayed flight and so didn't make it to Banff until well after 1am). Although, so far it has been completely worth it. The conference is very exciting. I actually got to see Claire Voison speak! This morning Claude Sahhah spoke and I was completely enthralled by him. He finished on the most interesting thing I have heard all week:

Theorem: Let (H,F*, Del, S) be a variation of polarised Hodge structures of weight w on A^{1}\{p1,..pr} then the Fourier Laplace transform is a variation of polarised wild Hodge structures of weight w on A^{1}\{0} which is irregular singular at infinity.

Wow. This afternoon was the free afternoon and I went with some of the postdocs and younger lecturers to go on the Banff Gondola. The views were spectacular! Then we rented historical bathing costumes (they were very amusing, but covered all manner of bad areas of ones body that reveal you do not go to the gym) and went into the hot springs. It was so paradoxical to be sitting in a hot spring semi-naked at the foot of a snowy mountain. Beautiful. (Although on the negative side it was a place where one can easily develop a cold). We then walked down to moutain back to the Banff centre... the one day where we actually earned our meal!

On Friday I fly from Calgary to Edmonton for the second conference of my stay in Canada. The talks look very exciting and I am thrilled to be asked to go.

Bear Attack

I am at home now. I have been since Saturday. I have to leave for Canada on Sunday and I do not think I am competant enough to navigate transfers and things. Oh god.. I am going to be lost somewhere in Colorado when I miss my connecting flight...

I booked a flight between Calgary and Edmonton today and I didn't see fit to write down any of the flight details.. I also have not received a confirmation email. I wonder if I have actually booked anything .. or maybe I just dreamt it. I will have to work out some way of dealing with this... maybe I'll just leave it. I always like that option.. although the guilt disrupts my sleep. Last night I woke up because I dreamt that supervisor #1 told me my dissertation was awful and he was very disappointed. I imagine he is... and he will tell me when I meet him at Banff and I will be unable to escape for 12 days from the wall of disappointment. I have my contingency plan of taking Poirot with me.. then if things get too bad I will look myself in my room and watch the same episodes over and over and over again... Interestingly this is exactly what I am doing with my time at home.

I probably need to do some revision. However this is not an option as I haven't even brought my notes home with me. Anyway if they were here they would just be sitting in a corner and I wouldn't touch them... at least this way I have more floor space.

I hope I see a bear in Canada. Not from a dangerous vantage though. I saw one when I camped in the Smoky mountains. That was very exciting. I actually saw a family of them in a tree. The bears were very high up.. I can't believe they could climb so high. I always thought that if a bear tried to attack me I would climb a tree.. but it seems that that plan wouldn't work so well. I'm not sure what I would do if a bear attacked me. Actually, I'd probably just be killed. I am just the sort of person to be killed in a bear attack. It's like if I were in a film, I would definitely be an extra or one of those people that the serial killer murders in the first few frames. I don't think I'm much of a survivor. I hope I don't see a bear in Canada.

um

I am generally feeling low. I noticed an "Oxfam Boutique" has opened in the city centre. I am intimidated by it. I am too shabby to go in.

Hm

They have swapped Softmints for Extra Strong mints in the vending machine. I am not very happy about this.

Algebraic Topology

Today (and yesterday) John and I have spent many hours desperately slogging our way through the Algebraic Topology homework, which consisted of many proofs about degree theory. Some proofs were easy and some were... well.. didn't fall out so nicely. The one we seemed to get very dirty with was showing that the degree of a reflection in a hyperplane was -1. In the end we "did it" using a suspension of the reflection map. I believe it...

And now it is back to MAPLE. I hate the collect function in MAPLE. It won't do what I want it to namely collect together products of variables. This is most infuriating and I have had to completely rethink my plan of attack.

I really want to see a guinea pig sneeze. Wouldn't that be adorable?!

In fact, I just searched for it on YouTube. And unsurprisingly there are videos of Guinea Pigs sneezing.. I suppose this will be the activity for the rest of the evening.. to systematically work my way through them!

Another thrilling Saturday

19.00hrs

In case you can't guess: the title is not so much laced as drowning in sarcasm. I even just emailed back the catholic society to ask where mass takes place...

Obviously I am in the department.

There is a girl with a hood who keeps moving around the room to work on different computers. I really hope that it is bothering someone else as well. But looking around the room, most people seem unperturbed by her erratic and bizarre behaviour.

21.15hrs

She just moved again! What is she doing??

My MAPLE code is giving me the exact opposite of what I expect. And I can not for the life of me see why? I expect the imaginary part and I get the real.. and vice verse. This is not acceptable.

21.21hrs

Oh I see why. I am such a moron!

I really wish I had my ink pen. I think it is in the Chemistry department in one of the lecture rooms. I suppose I could go and rescue it. But I would rather not risk anyone seeing me here. I'll just have to do my calculations in stupid biro. I suppose I would be doing "free" maths then though, I stole the biro from the bank, so technically it doesn't count as real work if I didn't pay for the ink. I am quite the rebel.

22.22hrs

So it seems to would be worth my while to generalise my code to get the single-valued function for Li_(m)(x) . That way, I can plug in exactly what I(/supervisor1) want(s) for Li_(n,1)(x,y). So, let's crack on.

22.24hrs

I am upset that supervisor2 said my poster was dry!

23.26hrs

OK. I am getting nice coefficients from the series expansion of cot(x). But blasted MAPLE has reduced itself to the loathed "grey screen" look again! Why won't it just do what I want it to do?!


00.16hrs

OK... I just googled my name and it appears I am a "confirmed speaker" for a conference in Canada next month. I really hope this is not me. If it is ... I wonder which one of my supervisors will actually break the news to me... This is not sitting well. Oh god, please don't be me. Please don't be me.

00.28hrs

Right. I can work from home now.

Agh

Agghhh the scanner girl is still scanning, and now a girl with a really high-pitched, childish voice has come in. I am so angry right now...

Sweet Monodromy

The presentation is over. It was OK, although I did it all mainly on the board- so it must have looked like I was really badly prepared (which was correct.. I didn't actually have a conclusion sorted out in my mind when I started!) At one point I quoted Don Zagier... and I thought "oh my god where is this crap coming from!" I think my two supervisors hated it. Oh well, they'd better get used to hating things that I do.. in a few weeks time they'll be exposed to some pages of my dissertation.

The vending machine just made me buy two packets of "curly wurly squirlies" so obviously I am going to have to eat them both, as I have exactly no will power when it comes to leaving chocolate uneaten. Thank goodness my wardrobe consists almost entirely of flaw-hiding XL T-shirts with various foreign words plastered over them.

I have a meeting with supervisor 2 tomorrow morning. I am scared. I am not sure what he will have expected me to do... I hope it isn't to calculate the monodromies... I will just have to thrust a wad of paper in his face and then flee, hoping I can get far enough away before he realises I have actually just handed him coffee-stained blank sheets of paper.

It is very irrational but there is a person in this room using the scanner.. and the noise is really pissing me off!!! Oh well, back to MAPLE.

Presentation Time

I'm back in the department. I feel ill and unmotivated and I have to write a presentation. I have no idea what I am actually going to write about. There are currently 3 options,

1. The Combinatorics of the (multiple) polylogarithm.
2. Introduction to Hodge Structures/ Mixed Hodge Structures.
3. Single valued functions for the (multiple) polylogarithms from the Variations of Mixed Hodge Structures of the (multiple) polylogarithms.

As much as I would like to do one of my last 2 options, I really can't. I have to think of my audience. So it looks like option 1 it is....

Ostrich

I handed in my poster today. The poster counting as part of my dissertation. It doesn't really look like a poster- it is way too wordy... but I think it not very possible to both be clear and explicit when explaining about mixed Hodge structures without some words... Anyway, regardless of what others say about it being too technical- I like it and I would have bene very pleased to find such a poster on the subject when I first started learning about them!

I have to start thinking about the ominous future- as I graduate this year. I either accept my offer from MPI or from UBC. I don't really know.. both involve me relocating to a different country. I'll continue with my ostrich approach at the moment.

So...

... it has been a while. Well, what can I say? It is some 5 months later and I am still sitting at the same computer in the same room.. still trying to make MAPLE do something. Except now.. it's a different problem.