Lazy or stupid?

My dad came to visit today, as tomorrow I have to leave my house. I had a really nice day. Obviously I gave myself the day off. I think I'm probably abusing the fact that my advisor is away as I seem to be giving myself many, many days off of late. Indeed, last week I gave myself 6 days off to visit a friend in Stratford-upon-Avon. But, I suppose what my advisor doesn't know won't hurt him. I am torn on what card to play when he gets back and I show him a definitely-smaller-than-he-expects amount of work: do I admit to being lazy or do I pretend that I am even more stupid than I am and claim it look me weeks to understand/do the work? "I worked really hard, Scout's honour". Lazy or stupid? Lazy or stupid?... That is the question. Maybe I'll spend a few days comtemplating that.

I really don't want my dad to leave tomorrow. I don't want to leave my house and go and live in college on my own. I want to go home with my dad. It will be all I can do tomorrow not to jump into the car with him, email my advisor to tell him I can't cope, I am insanely stupid, I'm dropping out of university and I'm going home to regress back to my formative years, in which state I plan to remain for the duration of my life.

To console myself, or torture myself perhaps, I am repeatedly watching Alan Rickman tribute videos on YouTube. I don't think this is a good idea:

(Pictures of Alan Rickman being happy with women)+(Sad song)+(Lack of ability to do one's project)= Mental break-down

This is an equation I plan to prove by exhaustion.

It's ok, it's not real life

Today I cleaned the house from top to bottom as I have to move out on August 1st. I pretended I was a cleaning robot and it worked quite well actually. I think I will always pretend to be a robot when I clean. It helps to think alot about angles and lines. A robot would definitely think about how to optimise their cleaning capabilities.

I found a video on YouTube today. It is "In Demand" by Texas. I know it's very bad to be so jealous of that woman, but I can't help it. I want to sit in a car with Alan. I want to tango with Alan. I damn well want Alan to smell my hair! But I will learn not to get upset about this. And indeed there are several reasons why;

1. The video isn't real life
2. The video isn't real life
3. The video isn't real life

Seriously, thank god the video isn't real life.

Alan, MAPLE and a cinema trip

This is a picture of Alan Rickman saying, "Hey, I'm relaxed.. I'm not always a villian- look at me pulling off a white, unbuttoned shirt."

Today I worked out why my MAPLE code was previously going so horrifically wrong. I had defined a permutation function (giving a set of permuted matrices) in a procedure and had another procedure depending on elements from this set (each time referring to the previous procedure). However the end result gave a different answer every time I ran the procedure and I think it was because each time it ran the procedure it conducted the permutations over and over again so when I was referring to elements in the set, sometimes they were the same and rarely were all the elements actually caught. So I fixed that and I am now getting nicer outputs. So hopefully I have generalised the generating functions for MZV's. Now comes the more difficult bit of writing a procedure to select required coefficients.


This is a picture of Alan Rickman being incredibly mysterious and sexy as Severus Snape. He is so beautiful. It's the dark hair, the dark eyes, the mouth, the height, the stature, the voice, the voice...

I went to see the latest Harry Potter film yesterday. It was alright, but I obviously will never like it as much as the book, as there is no way that the details that make the book so consuming can be done justice to in a mere 3 hours. I went on my own, due to lack of friends here, and the woman who served me made me feel quite humiliated. I asked if there were any tickets left for the film and she said "How many do you want?" and I replied "one." She could have left it at that, but oh no, "Just one!?!" she bellowed, causing the teenagers behind me in the queue to giggle, whilst I murmered a "yes" through gritted teeth and handed over my student card. Honestly, I do not need to be made to feel a complete and utter loser for going to the cinema alone. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with going to the cinema alone, it is a solo activity to sit in a cinema theatre and watch a film, in fact it is more on a hindrance to have people there. God, what do they want from me? Do they actually want me to have "REJECT" tatooed across my forehead so they can just point and laugh without having to wait for me to ask for a single ticket? It's not like I'm going bowling on my own. And I hate how teenagers hang around in massive, intimidating gangs- I never did that when I was younger. I hope they all feel embarassed too when they grow up and are forced to go to the cinema alone. Maybe next time I'll jst wait for the DVD release....

Alan Rickman

I'm not going to linger on the point, but I think I have fallen in love with Severus Snape. No, actually I think I will linger on the point. I could pretend that I have not been filling my hours thinking how unbelievably super he is and creating highly fantastical scenarios where we could meet, but that would be a lie. In an ideal world he would come and sweep me off my feet and we'd go and live in the wizarding world and be mathematicians and be really happy. And obviously he would not be dead and he would be Alan Rickman.

I really love Alan Rickman's voice. He is quite possibly one of the sexiest men in the world. May we also remember him in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. He was by far the best person in the whole film and I have no idea why Marion would choose Kevin Costner over Alan Rickman. That is absolute insanity. She probably had no choice, due to script or whatever, but she could have put up a little less of a fight when he wanted to marry her. He's also very good in Love Actually. When I say "very good" I mean he is very attractive, but I do not like his character- he makes Emma Thompson cry, which isn't really on. I'm almost certain he wouldn't make her cry in real life though.

When I'm not busy lusting after Alan Rickman or any of the charcters he plays, fictional or otherwise, my project continues. It's actually, dare I say it, going ok at the moment. I have managed to generalise a particular proposition and in the not too distant future (hopefully within the next week) I will be in a position to glean from this the generalised generating series. Woop Woop. It would be really exciting if Alan Rickman were a mathematician and we could talk about my project, or if he were an expert on MAPLE and were really interested in MZVs. Then, I think, my life would be complete. I just really like Alan Rickman.

"Look..at..me"

I really like Severus Snape and I am so pleased that he was truly good. I felt very sad when Snape revealed that he had loved Lily Potter always.

****

"Hide them all, then," he croaked. "Keep her-them- safe. Please"
"And what will you give me in return?" Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said,
"Anything."

****

"After all this time?"
"Always" said Snape.

****

For me, these were the two most moving moments in the entire Harry Potter series.

Angry

I am very angry! The college is rubbish. Firstly they do not reply to not one but multiple emails concerning pressing issues such as accommadation. Secondly they keep you waiting for over 40 minutes while they are on break (and this wasn't even a lunch break). Thirdly they seem to want to leave me homeless. Fourthly they just send back parcels with the couriers despite my having told them not to and then they lie about having received a parcel in the first place! This led to a 46 minute telephone version of tennis where I had to ring the company sending me the parcel then UPS repeatedly as they both kept telling me conflicting things: too short tracking numbers, numbers that aren't even tracking numbers and of course I never spoke to the same person more than once and the whole thing was very tiresome. And now the parcel won't even arrive until Monday and who knows what the college will do with it then? Probably burn it.

And now I have finally arrived into the department to find I didn't attach my MAPLE file to the email I sent myself so I can't even do anything here. Well I'm not damn well leaving- I'll just rewrite the code, or else sit in front of this computer seething. I need coffee and if that woman in the cafe looks at me like I'm something that has just crawled from under a stone to disturb her very pressing task of "sitting and looking mutinous" when I ask for it I... well, I'll just be as polite as always, but rest assured I will be thinking angry things. When will she realise it's her job to get the coffee and stop resenting the students?! Aghh

A sociable evening

It has been a sociable evening. The other project student, Jo asked me to dinner at her house. As I didn't know where she lived she wrote a set of directions for me, which I proudly announce, I managed (eventually) to follow. Obviously there were a few minor errors, but I did not crack under the pressure. I feared I would subliminally sabotage my trip, just to excuse myself from a situation where I would have to make conversation with a person I do not know very well and a person I have never met before (Jo's housemate James). However, it was alright. The meal was very nice, obviously Jo is a very good cook and the conversation was not stilted. I have the after event paranoia now, where I dwell on the fact that they may have hated me and thought I was an utter weirdo. I imagine I came across as a little strange, but hopefully not TOO strange. Hmm... I bet they're laughing at me right now!

On average the last two days have been quite productive. Yesterday, I feel, was very productive but today was not- so overall it's ok (or at least that's what I tell myself.) Tomorrow, I have decided, will be productive. I absolutely will do alot of work and not be lured into playing online tetris.

Britain's Next Top what?

During the exams I became addicted to America's Next Top Model. Having exhausted all the cycles I have started to watch the new series of Britain's Next Top Model. I am so disappointed. As annoying as I found the girls in ANTM they at least all seemed to have really desired to be models prior to the competition, whereas in BNTM the producers appear to have collected girls from a variety of holes from around the country. The majority of the girls have awful tempers and their language is punctuated with slang and crude vocabulary. I'm not sure what they are all competing for, but by the looks of the contestants it won't be anything to be proud of... I really hope that people do not watch this programme and think that it is a fair representation of British females.

I am constantly bemused by the judges choice of expressions in all Top Model programmes (trust me, I am no stranger to the shows.. I clearly have a lot of time to waste). The judges periodically tell the girls to "serve it", "work it", "bring it", "be fierce" and all sorts of odd things. I don't understand why no one turns around and demands to know what this undefined article "it" is- how can anyone possibly "serve it" if they don't know what "it" is? To me fashion is portrayed as a very strange thing in these shows. If fashion is trying to "work it" in a dress that has a fake fin attached to it whilst standing in contorted positions, looking "fierce" then I happily embrace a fashion-free existence!

Minor success

I'm going to be ill, I can just tell. I feel weak and tired. I also can't work out how to make the heating come on. I can't believe I have lived in this house for almost a year and don't know how to make the water warm- how has that happened?

Mathematically, today was a minor success. I have figured out the programming problem I was experiencing. Well, it's more that I have figured out a way to get around the problem, rather than figured out what was wrong- but that will do for now. Hopefully, as a result, I can progress a little further.

It's quite interesting, when working in the library, to look at the way that people always like to work in the same place. For the past 5 days I have sat at the same computer and each day exactly the same people have sat around me. I wonder how many of them are actually working or pretending to work, like me.

Feelings of guilt

Today I have done absolutely no work. Instead I have sat for many many hours reading an e copy of the latest Harry Potter book. Apparently. Whether it is the real version or not, it had me gripped, and was a fantastic read. I really like reading Harry Potter, when I first read a new one of them I find myself in the dilemma of wanting to make it to the end, just to find out what happens, but never actually wanting it to finish. I suppose that always happens with a good book though. Several of my friends reprimmand me for reading them, saying they are "for children" and "a poor man's rip off of proper stuff in that genre," and that attitude irks me: that's the whole point. I like to read them because I don't want a challenge, I just want a thrilling tale to escape into, and I'll thank others to not try and lessen this escapade by trying to put the books down.

But now the feelings of guilt... I hate feeling guilty about not having done any meaningful work and I hate how the only way to quash the feeling is a hefty dose of unadulterated slave labour. So slave labour it will have to be... I met with the other project student and it has left me feeling a little sad. She was explaining how each day she goes into the department and meets her advisor and he tells her what to do and then she sits at her computer and starts running the tests &c and if she has any problems her advisor is literally a few metres away, or she can go to the phD student to whom she has been assigned. I know I shouldn't expect to receive alot of help, but it would be nice to have that level of encouragement, especially with the programming. Oh well, less complaining.

I am also really annoyed with the weather. I feel like the weather is tricking me. It seems that in the early afternoon (I would say morning here, but that would be a lie) when I leave the house, it is quite nice and so I am lured into believing that the day will be relatively sunny and leave without a coat. But lo, the sky darkens and cracks and I am yet again forced to march home in the pouring rain with neither coat nor umbrella.

I also have to go food shopping soon. I have been putting that task off for a while now, but I have literally a tin of beans and some jif lemon, and a meal that does not make. I should develop a food pattern I suppose- but it's all just such a hassle and I think I'd just rather not eat! I wish there was just a pill I could take en lieu of a meal, that would suit me fine.

The efficiency of my life

Today has not been a good day. I woke up, much later than planned, to the beeping of my carbon monoxide alarm. It seemed to be low on battery so I changed them and went to the department.

MAPLE was being rubbish. I can't work out what to use for an anticommutative product and so all my calculations are wrong. I tried to plough on, but for some reason I just couldn't concentrate and so instead opted for wasting alot of time reading online comics. I find I can waste alot of time reading the archives of http://www.xkcd.com/, and it's surprising how many of them I can relate to: I spend quite a lot of time thinking about the efficiency of my path.


I really need to start organising my days better. Tomorrow, I will definitely be in the department for 10am!

So I arrived home, having achieved very little. I checked the CO alarm and it started beeping furiously. Panicked to see the display at 192, I immediately phoned British Gas. After being given a list of safety instructions;

1. Stay out of the house
2. Do not light naked flames
3. Do not use any electrical appliances

I was left to sit outside my house and wait for the on-call engineer to arrive. When he came we went inside [note: the first thing he did was to turn on a light!] and I was a little concerned to see that the count had returned to 0 and the alarm had stopped sounding. Eventually, he established there was no leak and told me with a smirk that I had pressed the test button instead. It was deeply embarrassing and after a little laugh at my expense he left. Is it weird that I wish there had been a leak? Not a serious one, but just a little one so that I had a reason for my call. It really annoys me that I am so terrible at dealing with things.

Straight up, now tell me..

I have clearly previously underestimated the musical genius of Paula Abdul: "Straight up" has to be one of the best songs I have listened to on youtube for the past few weeks. It may even make it onto my Ipod play list.

I remain alone in my house and I am quite enjoying it. No one comments about my eating and sleeping habits, or lack of both. Plus I think i'm getting better at cooking; I have very much mastered noodles and I really like beansprouts. I probably should branch out and try different food stuffs but Waitrose is too far away and I find it very boring at the supermarket. The supermarket is full of people living actual lives, putting things like greek yoghurt and humus into their baskets and walking very slowly, carefully inspecting tins and bread. I feel like shouting at them "it doesn't matter if the milk goes out of date in one week or one week and a day, you and your family will have finished that and several more before then, now move out of my way!!" It would be alot better if shopping were done in the style of Supermarket Sweep, it would be more fun and quicker. Obviously without the novelty inflatables- I think they would distract and I would once again leave the supermarket without having purchased toilet roll.

The maths is going ok. I'm making my way through "Galois symmetries of fundamental groupoids and noncommutative geometry" (Goncharov). It is making sense slowly.. almost painfully slowly actually.. but nevermind. I have managed to successfully derive the coproduct generating function for MZVs of depth 2 and hope to look in the not too distant future at higher depths. However a massive problem at the moment is my complete lack of computer knowledge. Ideally I would have put all this into PARI gp but so far,

PARI gp: 17
Me:0

and I am being very harsh with PARI's score there! My laptop runs on Windows and so I can not figure out how to do anything with PARI gp. Obviously I only discovered this fundamental flaw after several painstaking hours trying to make the damn code work. As soon as I started to yield results I discovered I did not know how to save it, then it wouldn't let me cut what I had done out and save into a different program. So I thought "ha, I'll just never turn my computer off".. but then my computer crashed!!! So MAPLE it is, good old MAPLE- surely it won't let me down.

My project advisor has left for a month now; this worries me slightly- who is going to tell me what to do? Who is going to look over what I've done and point out all the ridiculous arithmetic errors? I asked what he wants me to achieve while he is away with the intention that I could haggle down the expectations. In a happy situation I would be busy generalising... we'll see what happens..